The Taxman Cometh

I saw "The Iceman Cometh" some years ago at the Ashland Shakesperean Festival and was very unimpressed, to the point that I really don't remember the play at all except for the overall feeling of dread every time I hear the name.

I have been dreading 2009's tax judgment for a few months, ever since I committed financial heresy and cashed out all my retirement accounts to get out of consumer debt and get my money away from the Casino on Wall St.

In this moment (an hour or so have hearing the news), there are a few things going on with this:

1) My priorities have radically changed since my mid-twenties (when I opened the first account) and I resent being penalized for growing and changing, i.e., I no longer want to put off my life until I can afford to live it and the United Banks of America do not like that kind of thinking.

2) Somehow, through the squirrelly world of tax laws, I owe more taxes on money I didn't make last year. Huh? The accountant (yes, I employed a professional to navigate these treacherous shoals) rattled off some numbers the "proved" why I "made" way more money than I ever saw, but that did nothing to bring sense to the matter.

3) I knew this was coming and have semi-prepared for it; I still resent it and am too awful of a liar to try to get away with anything.

4) The money that I now owe my government is money that I got to work with last year to float me through bouts of unemployment, divorce (that's another thing: I'm penalized for being single), and multiple relocations. It's money they didn't get to have to do stupid stuff I don't like for one year. Good.

Now I'm all amped up and anxious about how I'm going to pay this huge amount given that I just got laid off and have no immediate prospects.

But, really, that's just an old game my head is playing.

I've lived through my own worst nightmare and thrived in the hereafter. I have resources and assets the government can't touch - friends, family, intelligence, health, creativity, ingenuity, and strength forged through some serious shit. I have savings that will see me through multiple months of no employment, and this kind of situation is exactly why I've been stashing money away!

So, yes, any one of my "untouchable" resources could go away tomorrow, but my ability to keep creating more, to continue to engage with others and life will not go away. Life is in flow...and ebb, like it feels right now. Still, my experience over the last four decades assures me that life, including my own, personal life, finds a way. This is far more important and vital than any amount of government script.

Fear and Dandelions

OK, it may be spring fever or it may be cosmic insight - your call - but it occurred to me this morning that we treat fear and dandelions very similarly and they have a lot in common.

Dandelions are the poster children for what is "wrong" with your yard/garden. They are to be eradicated at all costs because those spiky leaves and shaggy, yellow blooms shout "Inept! Failure! Sloth!" to all who see them poking through your carefully tended lawn and garden. They are seen as wholly negative and even those who otherwise profess a reasonable environmental awareness will resort to the most toxic herbicides to keep those nasty weeds at bay.

We do the same with fear. There is nothing good about fear. To show fear is to shout to the world "I'm weak! I'm incapable! I'm stupid!" Even those who value emotions and have great competence when dealing with anger, joy, love, and grief will do all they can to avoid, quash, and deny fear as wholly negative. Fear is something that is only whispered as something to be gotten rid of as soon as possible.

The thing is both dandelions and fear are good for us! Dandelion greens are better than spinach, their blossoms make great wine and fritters, their roots a fine coffee-like beverage - all of which are rich in minerals, vitamins, and healthful tonics. There is a very good reason the colonists brought them here (yes, they brought dandelions here on purpose!) - they are one of the best sources for vital nutrients and they are hearty in many, many environments.

Fear is also good for us. Different aspects of fear can keep us from physical harm, alert us to imminent threats, inspire us to move or connect in new ways, and bring our attention to what is vitally important in moments of confusion and chaos. As with dandelions, one can access great bounties of nutrients by learning a bit more about how to use this gift of the gods (yes, the gods/God gave us fear on purpose).

So go ahead and eat the weeds! Engage with fear! We'll all be better for it!